Ahhhh...S T R E S S !!!

Ahhh...(deep breath in and....ahhhh....out) Today has been an overly stressful day so far! I've had a couple good days with my youngest so I knew that it was going to end and be far worse then usual. And boy was I right!!! She has just been sooooo difficult today! It really just plain out SUCKS when you don't know what's wrong with your child. It sucks that I don't know what she wants when she throws her fits and screams and cries like, 'Mama, don't you understand?'. It just kills me.

It started off ok. She woke up semi-happy, she ate breakfast, drank her yogurt shake and started playing. Great! Well it didn't last long. Soon enough she was throwing herself on the floor and screaming and crying about (from my standpoint) nothing. I tried giving her things to calm her down but nothing worked. Finally I grabbed her and layed her down in my lap and held her really close to me kinda tightly. That calmed her. She held onto her lovie (a Gund stuffed elephant names Ellie that she lovingly calls "Baby") and started sucking her thumb. Ahhh..finally she is calm!

But then after she calmed down she wanted down so I let her off my lap and she started to walk away. Two seconds later she throws herself down and starts screaming, crying and banging herself all over the place. What happened? What does she want? Why is she crying? I have NO idea! And then I start crying. What kind of mother doesn't know what's wrong with her kid? What kind of mother can't calm her baby down? ME! That's who! I finally had to lay her down in her bed and try to let her scream it out while I sat by myself in the living room and cried it out myself too.

I know that I'm probably being too hard on myself but there is this big piece of me that wants so badly to understand her and all of her frustrations and I just can't. I know she has issues but I need and want to know how to make them better or at least know what to do when she gets like this. I'm so afraid that one of these days she is really going to hurt herself...she bangs her head SOOOO hard!

So now she down for her nap and my eyes and head hurt from crying so much. I just hope that when she wakes up she'll be in a better mood and will be ok the rest of the day. I don't know what else to do. And I know this sounds weird but everyday that she has a bad day it just makes me love her even more and strive to somehow understand her better the next day.

Sorry this post is a downer but I really just needed to vent. Thanks for reading and letting me bitch!